I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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