New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
