Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
