I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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