We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
