I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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