True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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