In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I looked at my own cervix.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
