I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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