Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
