Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize