Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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