you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
