I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
