I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
