Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
