I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
