Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
