i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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