How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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