You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
