I want to have your abortion
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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