woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
