If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
3 2 1 whiskey
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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