Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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