I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
