Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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