i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
