I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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