i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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