she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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