So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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