Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I've blown a few things in my day
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
