I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
