The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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