I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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