There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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