i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
