He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
