My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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