Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
