if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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