you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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