Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I need help removing her.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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