I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
