we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
