i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
