You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
