I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
