Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Randomize
