I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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