Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
