I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
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