you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
